Panic attack

I think I'm having a panic attack.

Jerry and I leave for China exactly two weeks from tomorrow (on Thanksgiving for those of you interested). Without Carrie. Ugh. I'm having quite enough Mommy Guilt right now for the fact that I only get to see my child two hours out of the day as it is (and that's been progressively turning into a devilish two hours, but that's an entirely different post). Now I'm going to be gone 13 days.

Don't get me wrong - I am truly excited about going to such a foreign and interesting country. I've told many people that China never really was on my "must visit" list, at least not like New Zealand was. But the opportunity presented itself through Jerry's MBA program, so I selfishly took it. Am I worried about Carrie? Absolutely not. I know she's probably in even more capable hands than mine, being that she'll spend time with both sets of grandparents. No, I'm worried about myself. I start to think about putting her down for night-night that Wednesday before we leave, and I get teary-eyed (just like I am right now). We bought webcams to use. The intent on buying those was for when Jerry ships out to Portugal, but this is the perfect chance to test them out. Now I'm not so sure I want to even do that. All these things keep running through my mind - will she understand being able to see me but not get to me? will I turn into an absolute puddle each time I see her (I already know the answer to that one). will she resent me for being gone this long (can a 19 month old experience resent???) will she forget about me? And the one that really kills me - will she even notice that I'm not around? I'm not saying I want her to be an absolute terror for her grandparents while we are gone, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd be a tad bit happier if she exhibited at least a little unhappiness at the lack of tickle sessions with Mommy and singing The Hoppity Song at the top of our lungs while driving around town.

So while I'm totally loving searching out things on the internet for me to do while Jerry's off doing his MBA thing (sorry, honey), that's tempered with the fact that I'm reminded that I'll be away from her for about 330 hours all told. But who's counting?